Journeys through grief

Welcome to my personal journals, a space where I navigate the landscape of grief through writing. Here, you'll find reflections, memories, and the raw emotions of coping with loss, shared with the hope that they bring comfort to you, as they do to me.

My weekly conversations with Ken

 I dedicate time to write to my beloved  Ken daily.  It is a testament to our enduring kindred love.  

July 7, 2025

Good morning Ken.  I am not the energizer bunny you said I was.  Hard time getting out of bed.  Tired this morning.  My energy is low right now.  I do not know if it is because of the weight loss - 15 pounds or just missing you so much.  I have been reflecting on my life and I realize my time here is almost at the end.  I reminisce on our life together and it brings me to tears.  I wish we could start over then I would have you here with me.  I can see why you said you could not live without me, but remember when we talked about that a few years ago we both cried that it would be difficult for both of us.  I just received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Jeanne for my birthday.  I am in tears you won't be here to give me my birthday hug and kisses.  My tears are flowing as my heart breaks into pieces.  Where are you Hon.?

 

July 8, 2025

Good morning Ken ... You are not here to give me my birthday hugs and kisses.  It will be a difficult day so please send me strength.  I have already cried so many times already today and its only 9:30 am.  OMH Ken.  It is 10 am and 6 ladies from the diamond group sand happy birthday to me while I was on our balcony.  Lois, Renee, Deanne, Lynne, July and Helen...4 of these ladies lost their husband too.  They know what I am going through...bless them.  I will definitely pay this forward when someone has a loss.  I am sure you had a hand in this.  I thank you ... it did make me feel better.  Went to Cathy's after lunch.  Gilles ordered St. Hubert then after supper Cathy came back to our place to sleep here.  That was the best birthday gift.  Brenda texted me... spoke to Chris and many family and friends sent me their good wishes.  Love you hon. and miss you so much....

 

For my comfort, and yours

These are daily writings to Ken:

July 9, 2025

Good morning Ken....last night I had no dreams.  Slept right till 5:30 am.  it is so comforting sleeping in your bed.  I keep thinking of our early married life and realize it is a time gone.  I wish those times again but you are not here to reminisce with me and it saddens me to the point I do not want to remember them.  I just want to remember our years here in the Condo.  I got a beautiful plant from Alex, Dallas and Nathan.  Got a poem book from Deanne, another plant from Lynne, a beautiful broach from the diamond ladies.  Some flower tea which Cathy and I will try.  I am getting ready for your celebration of life on Saturday.  I hope I will have the strength.  Cathy is gone home to finish the slide show she is doing for you.  She has been staying with me.  I guess I will go see the ladies at Lois.  You really pushed me to go and now I know why but had I known you were leaving me, I would have stayed home with you.  Oh Ken, I miss you so dam much I cannot stop crying right now ... I want to be with you so much.

I did go to Lois and I feel better now.  Lois was wearing the necklace you chose for her and the earrings.  It did me good to go.  Tonight was better than this morning.  I changed my routine in the morning but I still have a difficult time.  We went to bed and I let you sleep in your bed.  Goodnight hon. love you....

July 10, 2025

Good morning Ken....we layed in bed this morning...our time.  I decided to check if I can change - not change - but add your name to my name ... Gail Kenneth LeBlanc, you would b e with me everywhere.  I think I am done fixing your eulogy.  Now I am going to read you a poem from the poem book Deanne gave me.  It is a short poem but it embraces.  I did the TD bank and I am glad they said we can leave your name.  It was a lonely day today but I was able to control my tears.  It is very difficult and that is why I am exhausted at the end of the day but I don't mind.  I think you would like your eulogy but tell me to not to do too much.  But you know me, I have to go all out when I do something.  The slide show Cathy made for you is awesome...almost 1,000 photos....miss you hon. love you.

 

Finding strength in every word

I still by fresh  flowers for my Ken.  It is a small, simple thing but it means the world to me.  I think of all the days he would bring me coffee, hold my hand, or just be there.  Now in placing these flowers, I honor him.  I am the one who is grateful for every kindness he gave me, every day he chose to love me.  And even now, as I walk past these flowers, I feel his presence still guiding me and still loving me.  I will always treasure his note to me that day in the hospital ; "I will never forget what you did for me Gail"  Those were very powerful loving words from a husband who loved me for 63 beautiful years.   Ken, You will always be my one and only love...