Journeys through grief
Welcome to my personal journals, a space where I navigate the landscape of grief through writing. Here, you'll find reflections, memories, and the raw emotions of coping with loss, shared with the hope that they bring comfort to you, as they do to me.
My weekly conversations with Ken
I dedicate time to write to my beloved Ken daily. It is a testament to our enduring kindred love. I now share my writings with you and they begin on June 7, 2025.
June 17, 2025
Today was a very difficult day. I could not eat my breakfast Did go to our daughter and had a very nice supper of veggies and salmon. And yes, I did eat a small piece of salmon which I also shared with Jasper. Like you would say Ken "it was amazing"
I am so sorry Ken that I did not ask more questions at the hospital. I wish you had told me the conversations you had with your doctors. I regret not staying overnight at the hospital with you. You insisted that I go home and have a good sleep. I then could have hear the conversations with the doctors. Now i understand why on Tuesday you wanted to see everyone. You probably knew what was happening but as usual, you didn't want me to worry. You always put me first. My heart is so broken, it will never heal because you are not here to fix it. I cry and I don't want to be here without you. I wish I could have gone with you. It is hell here without you. I want to be with you.
For my comfort, and yours
These are daily writings to Ken:
June 18, 2025
Went to the funeral home today to prepare the papers to notify CPP, OAS, and others. It felt like I was erasing you but I was told it was actually protecting your identity. People actually check the obituaries and steal people identity.
I have to change my morning routine because the mornings are the worst for me. I had a beautiful print of your beautiful smile and have it on my wall. I am also going to sit in your chair it makes me feel like you are holding me.
I realize your heart was shutting down even before you went to the hospital. I am so sorry hon. I love you to the moon and back. XXXXOOOO
Finding strength in every word
Every week I buy fresh flowers for Ken. It is a small, simple thing but it means the world to me. I think of all the days he would bring me coffee, hold my hand, or just be there. Now in placing these flowers, I honor him. I am the one who is grateful for every kindness he gave me, every day he chose to love me. And even now, as I walk past these flowers, I feel his presence still guiding me and still loving me. I will always treasure his note to me that day in the hospital ; "I will never forget what you did for me Gail" Those were very powerful loving words from a husband who loved me for 63 beautiful years. Ken, You will always be my one and only love...
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